2 days

till 365
:D

Also;

It's been on my shoulders for the past few weeks that it's not the fact that I don't like anyone or want to date it's the fact that I can't get over him and I still have a lot of love for him in my heart. Like, no matter how hard I try to get over him I can't. And It's hard to move on to something I've been fighting to get over for a year. It's harder than it seems. I don't know. I'm kind of really happy that I still consider myself being in love with him because I know the fact I wont get hurt anymore if I just stick to him. I don't know.

This is a FAIL Post.

Oh jeez. :/

"She only has 6 to 9 months to live"

That is what Mema said about my cousin, Alora's mom.
I called my mom to tell her to call mema and she made me tell her so I did and my mom started crying. She's like, " You better not be lying to me "
And I was like " I'm not! Mema told me. "


I can't show emotion.
:/

i feel okay...

is when i'm in your arms.

:3


i love this song.
anyway...


i love my life.
:D
it's gotten so much better in the past month than it ever has. it's been amazing. i only miss xbox. ):

i want to play gears again!
;~;

i've been

hanging with sheep a lot lately.
(:

it's fun.
she makes me love my life.
:D


i hate boys.
boys are bogus.
:D


im so done!
but oh well, shit happens.
i love to smile!
:D

im in a good mood.

k, anyway, baii

I haven't posted much

I've been really stressed and busy with work.
:/


Oh well, I'll post soon again.
I'm moving here in about a month.
I love it. It makes me extremely happy that I'm running away.

i love you.

it's in fact love.
(:

day 1

boring.
filled out paper work and stuff.
(:


today i work at the fitting rooms.
:D

woo.
retail!
lol.
i'm such a dork.

oh wow.

Wow.


All I have to say wow.
Get a life and stop harassing people online.
:D

I'm not pathetic.
I'm going somewhere in life.
I'm work for what I got.
I'm worth something!


I'm happy with who I am.
I am getting better at not letting people get to me. I'm over that fact that you betrayed me and everything was a lie. I tend to laugh A LOT and not to hide the fact that I'm hurt, I laugh because you expect it to hurt my feelings, but it doesn't because I am a strong person besides the fact I am working on myself mostly by myself. My family is there for me and I love them for who they are.


I LIKE WHO I AM.
IF YOU DON'T, WELL THEN FUCK OFF.

so

no more xbox360 for awhile.
fml.

twice, it was knocked over and fucking, mindy just bought me a game and i was playing it and fucking then it decided it didn't want to read fucking hard drives. i'm rly pissed about that. but oh well.

i thought my brother was going to kill me, but surprisingly, he took it okay.

i start work tomorrow.
i'm really excited.
REALLY REALLY excited.
(:

wish me luck.


I wonder if anyone still reads these.
:/

i finally

shaved my legs after three months.
lmao.

i'm trying

my hardest for you.
:/

AIM < MYSPACE

i'm done using aim.

contact through myspace from now on.
yeah
or xbox.
i'm on xbox a lot now so.
:/

iunno.
yeah
later.


btw, don't grow distant.
:/


call.

xbox live

is my life once again.
:/

it makes me miss chris a whole lot.
:/


anyway.


Xl nek0 lX [ those are L's and that zero! ]

:D

add if it you have xbox live, just tell me who you are!
:D

:/

fuckmylife.

so

i fail at life.

i don't go to school.
i don't leave my house often.
i don't go much of anything.

i fail so bad at life.

:/

last night

i played gears till 5am. lol.
it was funny.
lol.

anyway.
i didn't wake up till 530.
my mom forgot to call about getting me homebound till jan when i can go through cyber schooling. uh, i rly rly can't wait. (: uh, i'll prob will be buying my own xbox360 and live so i could play anytime i wanted. :D

lol.
it's fun.
and like, just an escape from reality.

i was suppose to go to the mall with sheepy today, but i slept through my alarm, obviously and she's in state college now, i think, with jada seeing the bigger lights or whatever. lol.

i feel like shit, man.
lol.
i haven't showered.
i haven't ate.
i haven't rly done much with anything lately.


anyway who, this is just a refresher.
(:


OHOHOH.
i went with jaleesa to barnes and nobles and i have two new videos on youtube.
RADIOquart
(:

look it up.
:D

k, later.

i left

my house today to hangout with jaleesa in public.
it felt good.

i thank you for the inspiration.
<3

so like

the past few days have been really drama event-filled. i think i handle it all very well though. (:


i love my life right now.
nothing could possibly get worse.
i have the greatest friends.


i made up with amber, we're cool now. Fuck that, man.
brazil and i no longer have a thing.
nik and i are chill.
ky and i are great.
(:

i just love how this is going.

if only school was going as well as i wished.
:/

:/

i forgot to mention yesterday that i'm looking for a another job because TJ Maxx told me they can't start me for two weeks and I can't wait that long. I need to do something.
:/



anyway,
right now, i'm rly happy.
(:


and i can't wait till i'm cyber schooled.
i can't stand going to school.
:/

i left school

because i had a real bad anxiety attack and was out for all three morning periods.
:/


i don't know i'll be online much today because i have work they told me I couldn't start till two weeks from now, and i'm going to go nap now and i feel rly shitty. iunno what time i'll be home.


<3


i love you, kmh. (:

first day back to school in 3 weeks.

lmao.


well, i got a new english class.
i'm now a junior.

i was in the class for about 20 minutes then i left to go to the guidance office to hangout and i cried a little bit and now they are changing all my core classes to some emotional support thing.

i have A LOT of make up work and i was told that i shouldn't rly worry about the english because it's getting changed again. i hated all the weird looks i got and how stupid i felt because the class all seemed to be dirty people besides april and dj.
X_x;

anyway, i'm addicted to love story by taylor swift.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

I'm sorry about last night. I was just worked up and in an emotional state. I love you and I hope you got my E-mail. I'm sorry I didn't come back home, I just needed a hug and Alora was there to hold me. I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like you didn't appreciate anything I said in the email because Mema nor you told me anything about it. But I love you. I can not wait till it's just me and you. No more of anything. Everything will fade away around us because you'll be there. I know at times I say things I don't mean, but I truly do love you and you keep me sane. Without you, I wouldn't be here and I'm glad I am because I get to spend my life with you in it. I'm sorry for all the things I've did to make you upset, all the things to hurt your feelings, just, I'm sorry for everything. I love you more than I love anything, even if I don't show it.


Happy Birthday.




She's my mom, and you're opinion doesn't matter.




EDIT:

Pictures :D

today;

has possibly been the worst day ever.

i haven't cried this much for awhile. it's like, ever person i talk, i cry. they either say something to make me cry or not saying something to make me cry.


i hate being an emotional person.
:/

dear who this may concern;

lately i've been thinking about a lot of stuff concerning friends. I adore my two best friends to the max, yes, and one day i shall live with both of them, yes, but i question them sometimes.



Both of my best friends now have boyfriends and only one has shown a big change. I know it's only been a few days since they started dating but I don't care. She lied about the stupidest thing, and honestly would you date someone who your best friend and all your other friends despise because he's an asshole and a jerk and so many vile things?

My other best friend still shows concern for me and I love her for that. Nothing has changed between us at all just the fact she's always playing WoW now with her boyfran. Lol. But I love her still and we talk, so I'm good.



this is ending now because I want to play zOMG! again. :D It was freaking lagging because Amber IMed me and I was in the middle of battle. Dx




OH! I got a job. (:

ps.
SORRY ABOUT THE TYPOS! I MAKE A LOT OF THEM!

(:

So I'm chilling with two teeth gone!

I new yesterday was going to be a good day. Besides the fact I got two teeth pulled, I am now an 11th grader.
:D

Woo.
I'm really happy about that.
It's pretty amazing.
:D

I'm rly rly happy!
So Monday when I got to school I'm going to gather up all my three weeks of missed work and I prob wont be online much at all those days I work on those works. I'll prob get different assignments, like book work. I'd rather do book work than anything else for a catch up. So i'm hoping I'll just have to take my books home and do outlines and questions and prob worksheets about chapters and math. Yeah, not hard work, just a lot of it. I hope I can get it all down in a week. (: Lets hope!

Anyway!

I love kylee michelle [i forgot how to spell her last name. xD even though I'm pretty sure it starts with a P]

Ranting;

you're an asshole.
first you tell me she's a whore you and hate her and now you guys are like, unofficial again. wow, you're cool. you make me hate fucking guys because of how you think of yourself so highly. HERE IS A HINT: you're a fucking jerk who needs to gtfo.

uhg, i'm so upset right now i feel like fucking pulling out my hair.

i OFFICIALLY hate boys that are online. all they fucking do is happen to make me feel like shit giving me false hope. i'm done. k.


uh, on the bright side, i might have a job.
(:

i havent..

been posting. oh well. nothing rly is going on and like, i have nothing to vent about i guess.

i officially hate doctors.
i am thinking about going full lesbian.
i might be getting cyber schooled.
i hate altoona
i hate most boys.


and i don't use the word hate often.
oh man.


oh!
yeah.
nvm.
(:




edit:

rosco is gone.
:/

past two days have been hell;

A lot of shit has been happening and I haven't really been blogging about it like the whole reason i made the blog, but i just i can rant about it now.


-fuck boys.

they suck. i'm really disappointed with a few boys because they're really rude and just fucking with my emotions.

-fuck emotions.

i don't want them.

-missed dentist.

fuck fixing my teeth.

-missed 10 days of school

fuck my life.





k, i'm done complaining.

gaygay

gaygaygaygaygaygaygay.


that is what my life has been lately.
fml.

things you don't know.

I copied taylor.


-I'm only 5'5" and a half, when I've been telling people I'm5'6".
-I say I don't lie, but I lie, sorry.
-I fall "in love" way to easy.
-I've been in the hospital before for attempted suicide.
-I honestly do keep secrets.
-I haven't had a real hug from anyone in longer than four months.
-I suffer from social anxiety at times, it doesn't control my life anymore.
-I use to be on a lot of medication, but I've stopped.
-I make too many mistakes.
-I'm not comfortable with my body.
-If I could, I'd run away just to be with you.
-I still love you even though you hate me, you will always have a spot in my heart.
-My mom works at Wendys, I'm not embarrassed anymore.
-I don't like thinking about the future, it scares me.
-I don't see a future ahead of me.
-I think about death, A LOT.
-I only laugh to make me feel like I'm happy.
-I once thought that if I made a loud noise while my mom was asleep she'd die.
-I never made loud noises.
-I'm a virgin.
-I'm can not say I've never drank.
-I can say I've never smoked.
-I use to collect stuffed animals.
-I wish I was happier.
-I hate losing friends.
-I hate being alone.
-I think you're selfish.
-I will not say things to you face for the fear of hurting you.
-I know people don't read this, but it helps me get things off my chest.
-Music saved my life plenty times.
-Secretly, I've wanted to become a writer but I don't anymore.
-Sharks use to be my favorite animals.
-CC is the only person who knows absolutely everything about me. She's a stuffed cow.
-I'm real clingy and I know it, but I wont do anything about it.
-I can be vain sometimes.
-I once thought I was cute.
-Now, I find myself repulsive.
-I want to marry a Spartan.
-I'm not black, white, nor mexican, so stop calling me it. I'm lithuanian, get it right.
-I've never been in a serious relationship that wasn't long distance.
-The boy who I gave my everything to ended up being a girl.
-I cry a lot.
-You are the biggest asshole I've ever met.
-My brother will always and forever be my rolemodel.
-Even if he smokes pot and has started drinking, he's perfect in my eyes.
-I have never been told I was cute by a boy to my face.
-I starve for attention.
-I once considered myself a stalker.


That's it for now.
:/

i had my first

encounter with a real anonymous today.

oh fun.
too bad he gave it away earlier.
haha.

i haven't posted

in awhile.


I'm currently addicted to The Friday Night Boys&Palace. That is how I spend my days now. Palace and The Friday Night Boys. I'm attempting to read Extras, but I'm not getting far. Lmao. Oh, and I've been saying lmao more than rofl lately. Like, after everything I say, it's " LMAO!LMAO! " Quite ridiculous if you ask me. Lmao. Oh well.

I've started talking to this kid named Tommy, his chill I suppose. I've started talking to Arah again. I've started talking to Nik again. I've started talking to Sean again. Lmao.


OH.
MY 11 YR OLD FRIEND AND I WERE ON WEBCAM LAST NIGHT. ROFL.

Rosco is being a pain by pissing and shitting all over my house, but I'm working towards getting him outside to shit and piss. (:

anyway.
much love.
<3

Rosco.

happy birthday;

its my cousins fifth birthday and she calls me and goes

"Corky, will you come over for my birthday?"
"Yeah, I will."
"Kay, love you bye."

(:

She's cute.


A lot has happened in the past two days, so much I forgot.
xD

I'm not getting rides with nichole anymore.
I love Carson.
My best friend can finally be happy with an asshole in her life.
I met this kid named Tommy.
Ha.
xD


Umm.
Sheepy and I made up, I love her.
(:

OH!
sean started talking to me again.
xD



OHOHOHOH!
WE GOT A PUPPY.
:D

k, that's all.
later.

I am so high I am never coming down.

I've came to the realization I am pushing myself away from people again. I am going back to when I isolate myself from everyone. I'm not even talking to my friends much. It's very unhealthy what I am doing, I know it is, but there is this idea in my head that I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm kind of liking it when the only person I talk to is myself. Right now I'm only spending time with myself and stuff. Well, if I continue to only isolate, guess who will get held back again? Yes, I will.


Now I'm going to do this list of people I'm sorry to. You can guess who you are.


1) I'm sorry for being an asshole and thinking I'm the only person you should have. It's very selfish of me to think that way. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, you are always going to be my sheep, but it's hard to have other people call you sheep when it was the name we created to hold memories. It's not the same for me to hear other people call you it. It's hurts so much. And the whole Jada thing, all I can say is that I've always been jealous of her. There is so much envy with her it's hard to control what I do because I'm so jealous of what you and her have and we don't have much. I mean we have stuff, but it's not the same connection you two have. When I saw you guys at the show and how you guys acted with each other, I truly saw that she was your best friend and I could never top that. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass.

2) I'm sorry for all the horrible feelings I made you feel. I read your blog every time you post a new one and it makes me hurt so much that I can't live with you and be happy. No, our dreams weren't too big, I was just pushing myself away from you. I know it sounds horrible to say that, but it's true. I was scared of a lot. I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you and now I know I'm not. What I do is all about making the other person feel like shit when I feel like shit to make me feel better, and that is how I treated you. I'm truly sorry. I still think about you everyday and you will always have a place in my heart. One day we will meet and you and I will have the best day of our lives together.

3) I'm sorry for always dropping my problems on you and for not completely listening to you when you need it most. I love you a lot but how I treat you sometimes is not right. We are suppose to treat one another how we want to be treated but I treat you horribly. I give you so much shit for liking that asshole but it is your decision who you "fall in love" with, not mine. You need to make your own mistakes and learn from them. I just need to sit back and be there when you need me. I think the reason I get so hasty is because you don't take my advice when I say to drop his ass. It just frustrates me.

4) I'm sorry for not showing you the attention you deserve from me. You're my husband and I'm suppose to be happy with you, I mean I am, no doubt about it, it's just hard when I don't know anything about you anymore. These past years with you in my life have been amazing. From what you've listened to through what I have said and you don't get the appreciation you deserve. I want you to know what you are the most amazing guy I've ever met in my inter life. Not those boys I talk about, not the boys who I have "fallen in love with," you. Just having you say you love me makes me feel six times better than I did before I read it. Oh, and I'm sorry for laughing at you that one time when you called me for the first time. Hah.

5) I'm sorry that I can't be there physically for you. You're my twin and I love everything about you, I just wish I could grasp you more. I love our conversations about assholes and killing faggot boys, but sometimes I wish they were more to what I don't know about you. I mean, I can't even remember your last name! That is horrible. But I love how you can trust me and I can trust you. You're a doll and one day soon I will kidnap you from California and keep you in my bedroom. Please can we play 21 questions sometime?

6) I'm sorry I'm always being a bad daughter to you. I'm sorry that I don't show you the respect you need. I'm sorry I always have to be a burden to you. I'm sorry that I can't be the daughter I use to be. I'm sorry that I'm always causing trouble for you. I'm sorry for saying I hate you because I don't. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass. I'm sorry for being annoying. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for making you sad. I'm sorry for not showing what I can really do.


7) I'm sorry for pushing things off with you. I'm sorry for always being upset around you. I'm sorry for not being a true friend like I say I am with you. You may not know it, but being around with you those days meant more to me than you can imagine. They had stopped be from doing something stupid those days. I mean it when I say I love you and I'm so glad we became friends again in high school. I miss you a lot, and I mean it. And I just want to be with you every weekend like we use to be.

And last..

8) I'm sorry for always putting you down. I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for letting people see the side of you they don't want to see. I'm sorry for being you over-emotional. I'm sorry for making you fat. I'm sorry for making you ugly. I'm sorry for being negative all the time. I'm sorry for hurting you physically. I'm sorry for hurting you emotionally. I'm sorry for rejecting you. I'm sorry for ruining something great for you.



Soulmate, I'm sorry for being a retard. I care about you a lot and I want us to go back to the way we use to be.
Jen, I'm sorry for pushing you away when I should have been loving you.



And too a lot of other people, I'm sorry for being an emotional wreck and depending on you too much. This is the old me. I'm changing for the better starting now.

I've decided;

to go pestitarian. (:

i think that's what i've been for while, but i didn't really want to label myself, but i guess i'll start my counting of months and stuff.
(:

pescatarian is where the only meat you eat is sea food, i think.

MUSICCCCC;

I LOVE IT.
(:


it keeps me sane!
All today I was jamming to new bands I've never really gotten into and bands that I've found randomly.

and I tried playing more or Goot, but it's still hard for me to get the pattern right.
oh well.
:D

sick day;

here is what i did.


-woke up.
-got online for a bit.
-went to the doctors.
-came home.
-laid down all day and watched movies.
-got online for a bit.


that is what i did so far.
now i'm going to watch the day after tomorrow because rachel got me in the mood.
haha.


BAI.

i have a cold;

it sucks, but a good thing is I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I can get medicine.

I love Wednesdays, did I ever tell anyone that?

Reasons:

-pushing daisies.
-project runway.

(:


oh;

Well, never mind, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to avoid it.


Anyway; besides being ill, nothing is happening besides I have to do a skit tomorrow in 7th period, which means I HAVE to go in late after my doctors appointment. Sucks asshole.



k, thnx for reading my pointless life.
bai.

fucking;

people are so rude.
so i called my mom and i was like

"could you get me chinese"
"not now courtney."
"okay."


then this kid that lives with us had gotten chinese earlier and decides to eat it in front of me when he was in the room when I called my mom asking to get me chinese.

honestly, rudest thing in the world.
i don't know if he did it on purpose or what, but he just finished eating and then went upstairs and normally when he eats he goes up stairs with the food. i'm really beyond pissed.

i hate living with rude people.

anyway;

i'm planning on shedding 40 pounds by february.


cody just walked in with pizza.
woo.


i love my brothers.
yes, i said brothers.

Cody and Byrant.
(:


lets just hope they share.

later.

yohomez;

i noticed i copy how devon types her titles.

haha.
so i came to realize nobody looks at my blog anymore, it's just me venting now. (:

anyway,

this weekend was okay i suppose.
i read all day yesterday and sat online some of saturday then was lazy.
for once i did my homework!
xD

i actually liked it to!
maybe that's because it was mythology.
i'm reading two books, but i'm real behind on reading so i don't know if i will be online much anymore. i have a lot of reading to do.

anyway, i gotta get ready for school.
BAI!1111!!!!

goot;

isn't playing in altoona anymore.
:/


i'm trying to convince cody to buy me one of this shirts.
xD

Okay so;

mom told me yesterday that we wouldn't have internet/phone/cable for a month or so..and we got lucky.

last night she won 100 dollars off a scratch lottery ticket.
Yay.


<3

i'm happy.


today was a decent day.


first period-

did a lab with jess<3


second period-

did some web surfing. (:
found out i'm failing geomtry. xD


third period-

asked mr. s why my grade was so low and he explained.
I was day dreaming most of that class.


lunch-

i was quiet most of the period. i wanted to go home really bad.


fourth period-

sat with tessa and alex and messed around most of the period.
tessa and i were discussing the book "the perks of being a wallflower"
and alex listened like he normally does and decided to smile all creepy at me.
I about pissed my pants.


fifth period-

Mrs. Harris asked if I got my hair cut, and I said no and then she said it was pretty and I was like "nooooo, it's poopy" and walked away.


sixth period-

day dreamed practically the whole period.


seventh-

got called to guidance.
talked to jill about some stuff and then she kept me 10 minutes after school and i ran to meet nichole and paul because i had an appointment with my case worker.
then i found out our payment went through and we don't have to worry about internet/phone/cable.
xD



oh;
mom and I decided I'm going back on anti-depressants.

NO PHONE OR INTERNET;

probably for a really long time. maybe one or two months?

so this means.

no
-project runway
-JD modeling agency
-paris hilton
-discovering new music.
-connect with friends besides school
-no blog entries (well, i might be able to at school)

a lot of changing, and this happens to be a sign that my life is failing.


later.


five months till south carolina.

ugh;

if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
I think people making fun of people over the internet is pathetic.
I think people that comment my videos on youtube need a life.
I think everyone just needs to leave me the FUCK alone.

Kay.
bye.

This is what I did today;

-woke up at 530.
-helped mom clean a bit.
-got ready for school.
-fed my gaia fishies. :D
-went to school.
-sat through awesome school.
-went to the library and took a pee after school.
-waited for justin to pick nichole and I up.
-went home and saw my mommy.
-went with nichole and justin to pick up his brother.
-went and saw the house justin might buy.
-went to the offices to clean! :D
-went back to justins house and ate some food.
-exercised!


:D

Good day.
Laterrr.

Today;

was okay. I was alone till 4ish when my mom woke up.
I did a little cleaning and then some TV and ate tons of food again.

I sat on Gaia and Palace most of the day too.


Right now I'm kind of annoyed. I guess being honest makes me a bitch. That's super lame I'm considered a bitch when I'm honest. Sorry. Maybe I'm a bit too honest. I don't know. Don't really care either.

Kay, Ima go do some stuff.

Laterr.

Today;

Was a calming day, for once. Nobody in and out of my house and I was home all day till Byrant came over around 10ish? Now it's just him and I, but he is upstairs playing WoW.

I woke up at eight, took my medicine, watching TV a little, got online for a little, then took a nap.
Woke up around four and watched some more TV and then got online off and on because I kept watching TV. 5-6 watching iCarly, 6-8 watched WOWP, 8-830 watching Zack and Cody, and then at 9 watched iCarly. :D

Now I'm sitting here talking to Amber JoAnne Hommes, who I adore.

I mostly minded my business today, staying to myself now really talking to anyone till now. Oh fun. Ha. I ate a ton of food today too, like, a lot. Haha. Oh well. I should have done homework while I was watching TV or read, because I'm behind in reading, but I didn't. Now I'm kind of watching House Flip or something like that. The house is so nicee.

Anyway, that's it for today.
(:

I'm racist;

my cousin likes to say that. It's quite funny honestly because I have close friends who are black. How funny. Okay, lets start from the beginning.

"I thought you were leaving."
"Do you hate me that much?"
"Well, you were suppose to be gone days ago, I think you need to leave by now."
"You're racist. You hate me like you hate Shalal and C-lo. No wonder you're depressed."
"Oh yes, that is exactly why I'm depressed. Don't talk to me like you know me."
"Well, you're fucking rude and you're racist. You're fucking rude."
"David, I'm not rude, I'm honest. You need to accept that."

By this point, I'm screaming.

"You're fucking ignorant, you need a life. You're racist."
"GET THE FUCK OUT DAVID!"
"NO!"
"YES! YOU FUCKING ARE USING OFF MY MOM AND STEALING AND I'M HONESTLY FUCKING TIRED OF YOU FEEDING OFF OF US!"
"YOU'RE FUCKING RACIST!"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR PATHETIC LIFE!"
"ALL YOU DO IS SIT ON THE COMPUTER! YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE! NO WONDER YOU'RE FUCKING DEPRESSED!"
"DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME LIKE YOU NO SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT MY FUCKING LIFE. GET THE FUCK YOU, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND SO DISRESPECTFUL. YOU NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING DISGRACEFUL FACE!"

By now, I slammed my fish against the computer desk and it hurts really bad.

It ended badly. He end up leaving and telling me to go cut myself and die. So yeah, I'm leaving my house to calm down.

Nothing;

seems to go right for me in the past two weeks. I've missed a lot of school, got bad grades on taste that needed to be taken, lost a few really good friends, and lost control of all my anger. Not much seems to be wanting to work out for me and my life. I'm excited to clear my life when I die. I know it's not a good thing to talk about dying, but I'm ready for death. If I were to die right now, I'd die without a heart, without love, and most of all without myself. I know I just recently posted a blog entry about this, but this is a more of a "letting you know what's going on in this head" entry.

I refuse to let myself love someone or even love myself. I don not "love everyone." Hell, I can say I don not love anything right now. I care for things right now, but I don't love anything. It is said that you can not truly love someone till you love yourself. Those words stick hard in my heart. There is a quote from Bertrand Russell, "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." I came to a conclusion that quote was written about my life.

I refuse to be put back on medicine, but I think it's what is best for me. I use to be on medication for "my" bi-polar, my depression, and social anxiety. Around March, I refused to take them and stopped taking them, lying to my doctor and therapist about taking them. I even lied to my mom saying that they took me off of them, when in reality I stopped taking them. They worked to an extent. I was still shaky in public places, still crying over the smallest things, and still not sleeping right. I do not thing anything can help me now at this point of my life.

I refuse to let people walk on me, yet they do. I've let people walk on me for years and I would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear. I would tell them all the good things they wanted to hear. Recently I've discovered I needed to change. I have became honest and telling people the truth and nothing but the truth. Before, people use to push me to do things I don't want to do, but the night I got home from vacation was the turning point of my life and showed me the worse qualities of me. I soaked in sorrow for about a week or so after; I cried almost every night after. Now, I still cry about that night, showing me that I need to push myself to show people they can't walk on me.

I've seen more changes in me than I've ever seen before. I use to be smiley and happy all the time. Now, I barely smile and I'm usually always upset about something. Life to me now is different than I saw it before. I use to see life an exciting thing to experience. Now, life is a piece of shit that I don't have; it's boring and life less.

Finally, I don't want nobody in my life but I do want friends. I don't know how to explain this one. It's hard to explain what's going through my head. I guess, I don't want anyone else in my life but the people who just want me. I know that is selfish, but it's what's going on in my head. At times I wish I've never been born to go through all the pain with people. I have friends, yes, but...I don't know. I want more, I guess. I want ones who shows some sort of interest in me, ya know? I mean, I have friends like that but I don't know, I feel like they don't. I can not stress enough how much I feel rejection in all my friendships. I know they are not rejecting me, I know that, but it feels like that. I guess with the super low self-esteem I have it doesn't work well with my mind.


Taylor, you've been a good friend, I wont deny it. It's sad to say we're no longer friends. I don't know what I'm suppose to say. We did dream too big, I guess we both saw this happening sooner or later but we both didn't want it to happen; well I didn't at least. I wasn't lying when I said you were my best friend, because THEN you were and now, well, you're not. All this time, you'd always bitch about Amber, I know you didn't like her and I listened. I don't know what more I can say. I'm sorry for being a piece of shit friend to you. I'm sorry for not living up to standards as a friend and taking all those chances. I just don't feel comfortable around you like I use to. I'm sorry.

For awhile now;

I've been thinking about dying.

If you see me in school at anytime the rest of the year, it'd be a miracle. For the next few days, do not expect me to smile, do not expect me to speak, and do not expect me to even look up from the ground. I've noticed the irony in my life and how it's so frequent that it's a little TOO frequent. It's gotten me to the point that I'm broken down so hard I'm back on old habits and it's only getting worse. In January of this year, I was admitted to the mental hospital and I'm finally able to say it was an experience I will never forget. I was so convinced I was cured of all the depression and social anxiety, yet the depression has taken over my life and now what seems to be a life is only a lie. I see no happiness in anything. I do not enjoy anything, I only find myself pushing away from reality and back into where I never leave my house. It's to that point where I wont look in a mirror and when I do I look at myself and find myself in tears. It seems that everything for me has ended. I give up, and I highly doubt any person will be willing to even sit through a life with me. Friendship wise, my life is crashing. Every person I get close to seem to push away from me or get pulled away by someone knew. I came to this conclusion tonight that I long for being with someone who will show me they care. Just not over the internet, but someone willing to be there for me in person. It sucks having the only few people who adore me and show interest live in other states. The only people I live for, I've never even met. I'm tired of being this always sad and needy girl. I'm no longer the girl always laughing and making people laugh. I'm now the girl who fakes a smile, fakes the laugh, fakes the happiness. Nothing seems real to me anymore. Everything around me is fading.

I haven't cried this much in so long, it hurts so much to feel betrayed by a "friend." I know it's a ridiculous thing to say, but I honestly do feel so betrayed. Right now, my life feels like the quote from Samuel Butler. " Friendship is like money, easily made than to kept. " I've lost so many important people to me, it's not even funny. But then I made new, more harder to keep friends.

Right now, I feel like giving up on everything. I feel like dying. I feel like dropping out of school. I feel like hiding away in my room for the rest of my days in PA. I haven't cried this hard and long for a really long time. It's weird crying again. I mean, I cry almost every day, but not something like this. I feel like shit.


OH;

Joey and I aren't friends anymore. He showed Amber the whole thing about people not being able to be secrets but yourself. I'm on the verge of hanging myself.

OH AND THEN;;


shut teh fck up seriously u just want attention all the time its fcking annoying. idk u but u also seem like one of those people who do shit to fit in which is even moer annnoying get over urself fcking god. and i bet u will just put this ina bulletin or some shit tryin to get people to msg u and pity u cuz as i said, u want attention all the fcking time. christs sake ive never even met u and i can see this so no wonder your friends dont live near u grow up a lil and stop being a myspace whore

Truth box message.
I'm laughing so hard at it.

1) I have admitted before I want attention, you idiot.
2) How can I get over myself when I don't even like myself? Woo!
3) Yeah, I did post in a bulletin to show how funny you look starting shit on myspace.
4) I don't need pity.
5) I have friends that live in my city, BTW.
6) I'm not a myspace whore. If I were, I'd be "Ambrosia"
7) Grow some balls and tell me to my face.




This post is done.

three words;

I HATE YOU.





You're a slut. I honestly never hated someone so much in my life, besides Sean but he doesn't count. EVERY guy I like, I swear, you fucking come along and somehow fucking things up for me. I hope you get AIDs or something. I honestly hate you so much words can not explain how much I dislike you. I even TOLD you how I make fun of you. Trust me, I do not use those words often, but when I do, I mean them. I fucking hate you, you stupid nigger humping cunt. It's fucking ironic how you end up being SUPER close and all to every guy friend I lose, don't you think? You're cunt. I honestly hate you. I can say you were the last point of ruining my life.

It's so unfair how you get everything I work so hard to get. It's not fucking fair!

Today;

I pretty much sat here all day and talked to Nathan. Haha. We played 21 questions and then we just sat and talked. It was fun, I suppose.

Then Brazil messaged me. It's good hearing from him. I do miss him, but yeah, I don't know.
:/

I want to start running again, but I need earphones.

Kay, I went on a short run and ate. So yeah, that was my day.

<3

I shall not be consumed;

I watched some great movies today. (:

the league of extraordinary gentleman
v for vendetta


fabulous movies.
go rent them.
now
now
now
nowwwww!!!

Uglies;

;~;


That's all I have to say. Fucking jesus christ. I wanted to marry Zane-la, jesus! He was a babeeeee. He was cute and sweet and all I want in a man! xD

Seriously though, a REALLY good series. I can't wait to read extras and the new one coming in october. Yay! But I cried really hard when Zane-la died, seriously. I bawled for like, every time the chapters after that said his name and two hours after that. I was seriously heart broken. Well yeah, I'm going to get some more books as soon as I can.
:D


OH!
GUESS WHAT FUCKING ELSE.
NICHOLE LEFT ME AT SCHOOL FUCKING AGAIN!
shows what kind of friend she is.
stupid nigger.
anyway, i'm going to have to find a new way to and from school. I live too far to walk, i almost died carrying two books up huge hills. not fun, let me tell you.

:D



I wanted my house to myself tonight, right and now fucking Corey wont leave me alone. I keep telling him to leave, yet he wont. Jeez, I'm really annoyed. First Amber, now Coreyy.
LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE.

I'm good now.
^^

Okay, this is lame typing now.
Kay!

Byee<3


ps.
nothing exciting happened ALL day.

Doctors;

I went the doctors today. Yeah, I'm medicine. It sucks, but hey if it heals me, it heals me. Today wasn't that bad. My mommy bought me Special K!
YAY!
My mom and I went past startbucks and she tried saying this REALLY cute boy was staring at my butt. I was like "shut up, liar." I like it when my mom and I have days to ourselves. I tell her what's going on in my life and stuff. OH! someone stole 25 dollars from my mom's purse, which pisses me off. So now nobody is allowed in my house anymore beside family and nick. That's it, anyone else, get the fuck out.

Yeah, I'm still reading Specials. OH, I have a book 2 days overdue from the library. xD Gotta return it here soon. Anyway, I'm done for now, I got homework and some stuff to do.


ps.
i had a real good night with this kid tonight.
:D

he's real cuteee.
<3

School;

september 16

12:38pm

I didn't go to school today and I have no clue why. I had so much to do today. I had a fucking presentation for mythology, an english essay to type, and fucking return my books to the library. This sucks asshole. I'm so shit out of luck today. Jesus. Oh well, there is always tomorrow right? NO. I'm fucking done. I'm all "KSDJALKFDLAJ FUCK!" I need to do some reading to calm me down. I'll edit later.


4:08pm

I found out who the kid was that got hit by a car last night. I still don't feel bad for him, at all. Like, is it cruel for me to say that I don't care that he's dying. It is after all his fault. He shouldn't have been running across the highway if cars were coming. His fault.


6:51pm

I realized I want to die. I don't care how, but I realized I want to. I don't want to now, but in some point in my life, I want to die. I want to die a cool way where everyone would remember me. Not by getting shot or sleeping, too many people die that way. I want to die from being dropped off a cliff or sharks eating me. I think it'd be real scary, but if it gets people to remember me, it's be cool. I mean, I have this feeling if I died right now, nobody in Altoona would notice. Ha, nobody. Kind of funny, eh?



september 17


I'm SO fucking pissed at mom. Honestly, she is probably has never pissed me off this much before. I cannot fucking stand her right now.

FUCKING.
I fucking hate niggers. They're so fucking damn disrespectful. THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO FUCKING RESPECT ME AND LISTEN TO ME. IT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE! WHEN I SAY GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU'RE NOT FAMILY TO ME, YOU ARE FAMILY TO MY COUSINS. GET THE FUCK OUT!

Had a day bad;

After I got home from school, it all went down hill. Charlie threw up on me. I had to clean the dishes again, for about the sixth time in a fucking week, nobody cares to talk to me anymore, and I don't know it's just been a bad day over all. I feel so sick and gross I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Please, some throw me under a rock?


Short post; i don't feel like talking, but yet, i really want to talk.


EDIT:


Getting out of my house made me feel a lot better. I think I'm just going to leave by myself everyday.

Roleplaying;

I started roleplaying again. Kill me? This post will be short 'cause nothing really happened today. I sat online most of the day roleplaying in forums. Haha, I'm a nerd. The hugest you'll ever meet. I just noticed I have an IM saved with Corey, my old best friend from Florida(what is it with me and Florida?), one of our last conversations as best friends. God do I miss him. He was my everything at one point. I do love him still. :D But I try not to dwell on the past, more living for the future.

Yeah, anywho, I'm bored and nobody really talks to me anymore, it's SUPER depressing.

I have a lot of homework that I forgot to do. Oh well.
:D


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOWLE!
I LOVE YOU, BABYYY.!!11!!!!!one!!111!!!2!!!



Day 21, by the way. :D

Uglies Trilogy;

So I'm on the last book. I'm real excited. I actually threw the book today. <_< David is annoying. I want Tally to end up having beautiful babies with Zane, I really do. Shay is one crazy homo. She's all creepy and demented, it's rather super creepy. I think all today I might just read, so that is why I'm posting now. I'm not online for long. Ima just chill and read all day. (: Ima finish Percy Jackson and The Olympians; the forth book. I wonder is there are going to be anymore. Hmm. I'm going to try to get back into reading Queen of Babble gets Hitched. I'm not really into it anymore, but I wonder if her and Chaz ends up together or her and Jean Luc. (: Lets find out I suppose. I'm geeking real bad over these books. I'm thinking about getting the midnight trilogy next by Scott Westerfeld. I really like the Uglies trilogy and Peeps so maybe I'll look at getting that. :D Anywho, if I get online later I'll update. :D


OMGFIODSGJSFDLAKGJSKLDFJKSDJAFL;J
MY FAVORITE FUCKING BOOK SERIES IS STARTING TO MAKE MOVIESSS
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY1

-dances.-

Jeez;

I'm really annoyed at a lot of people now. Ha, yeah. Anyway, my day.

-Woke up at 3.
-Ate some eggs.
-Sat on the computer from five:thirty to still sitting here.

I've been real annoyed lately. Just with people in general. So much drama comes a long with fucking people. It's annoying a bit. There are only a few people I can stand at the moment. But on the bright side, I feel like I'm getting closer to Amy. We have a heart to heart at least once a day. (: I watched The new millennium today. It brings back a lot of memories and shows how much America has changed in only eight years. Yeah, this entry is all over the place. Bethany Dillon, do listen to her. She's amazinggg. (: Oh, I might not have internet soon.

I'm getting to the point where I want nothing to do with people. I'm getting to the point where I just want to stop coming out of my house, stop getting online, stop everything. I just want to run, run so far away I wont have to deal with this anger I have. I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I've gotten to the point where you opinion doesn't matter to me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

September 11, 2008.

Not much of a day, ya know? Did the norm at school, only thing different was it was 9/11. Rachel and I were talking about all the conspiracy theories in first period, even during the whole video they played. Ha, we're respectable. Not much to say about this day. I don't know. Ha. I walked with Joey to his locker today, again, probably will for awhile. I didn't feel like walking him to his bus, so I just left. He's a cutie. And Justin hopefully will put that hole through my penny that Joey gave me, if not, oh well. I'm cleaning my kitchen a little. Mostly just doing dishes and cleaning the stove and the counter tops. It's the second time I've cleaned the kitchen this week. Ha, my family is so messy, it's gross. We had a pizza box on the table for awhile too, but I wasn't cleaning that up. I told my mom I wasnt cleaning out the meat loaf dish, but looks like I have too. It's been sitting on the dish washer for a few days. She so lazy some times. Oh well. Ha.

Uh, I noticed today that I need to lose a massive amount of weight to have any gender find me attractive. I mean, I know my jeans are MASSIVELY loose and stuff, but I have a real bad stomach that I need to get rid of. I mean, girls that are in size two through ten should be happy with their bodies, but most I know are like "I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!" FYI: many girls would love to be that small, for me, I'm no where near it at all. I mean, I don't know. Weight isn't my thing to talk about. I get real upset talking about it. I'm getting upset typing it now. Ha.

I've noticed a lot of people don't talk to me. What am I here for? Just ask a back up plan for you to talk to after you've seen all your other friends or nobody is there? I mean, come on. I have feelings too, you know. If we're suppose to be friends, put in an effort or two to talk to me. I've been sitting here for hours talking to myself. Nobody has been home all day but me. I don't know anymore what I am to do with myself. Honestly, I just feel like giving up on people and stop meeting people and stop talking all together. I know only like, three people read this daily and I'm all "MOO-OINK" about this because I'm keeping up with it because I feel like it's a good way to vent and making me feel like I'm not bothering any of my friends. Oh well, I feel like I have no friends. I'm just about to pull out my hair.

18 days, I believe.

Moo-oink.

I'm kind of frustrated with my "friends" right now. They left me at school. I mean, what kind of friends leave me at school. I wasn't even gone five minutes. I walked Joey to his bus and then down. It took FIVE minutes tops. I needed a book too. I'm just real upset they did something retarded like that. Looks like I need a new way to and from school.
Other than that, school went okay. First period, almost passed out. Second period, almost passed out. Third period, was awake whole period. Fourth, awake with Derek. Fifth, left to go sleep in the nurse's office. Sixth, fell asleep. Seventh, did a bunch of errands for Mrs. Sutter. Yay for already knowing stuff about Dionysus. :D
I need new shoes, my feet STINK so bad from my sneakers, but that probably isn't going to happen soon since my mom is being a totally dick fuck about letting me buy these band hoodie I've been dying to get to fucking weeks. I have a lot of homework too do with little sleep. I didn't go to sleep last night at all, for maybe 15 minutes this morning between 6:45-7:00. Moo-oink.

Nichole called and apologized for leaving. But, yeah. I really need to get a cell phone again. <_<

(link>) Enjoy. <_< I'm so obese and ugly.

I'm going to start counting the days my mom lies about the online shopping. So far it's been 17 days.

Eep.

So today was better than yesterday. WAY better might I add. :D

I was up most of the night due to a real bad storm, but my mom let me go into school late. So I went in about third period and I was all giddy but at the same time not really. I was super nervous. So then I went to third, missed a test. [I went in during the end of the period, like five minutes left.] Went to lunch. Then went to fourth. Had a good time in Art with Derek, but he and I always have a good time in Art. (: Then lame Fifth, then lamer sixth. Then THEN THENNNNN mythology, which I adore that class so much. So Jake and I, this random kid that I ended up being partners with, but he's pretty cool I guess. Anywho, Jake and I are doing a project on Dioynsus, the God of wine, and we finished making our poster thingy thing and then we were told we had to add more things on it, and it already had a staff and a large wine cup from the old 'n days. Now we're adding grapes. So yeah, Nick Soto kept trying to give me a piece of paper, it was making me smile and I was glad I smiled. Anywho, after seventh, I grew balls and hit Monster[Joey] like we made the bet. I walked with him for little just talking and stuff and I walked out 'cause I didn't want to lose my ride home, so then I saw Troy and he gave me a hug and then I ran over to Nichole and Paul. Then I came home and had a chicken sandwich. Haha, this is really REALLY discriptive. The school called my house around 6:30 and said I wasn't in school. Haha, I'm laughing. Now I have to go to the office tomorrow to see what's up. Jesus christ.

Oh, and for the past few weeks, my mom has suppose to have got me a visa gift card so I can order Boardway's hoddie and some other stuff, well, here she has yet to give it to me. It's really starting to piss me off and make me really angry with her because it shows I can not depend on her for anything. I mean, I'm at the point where I need to have 1.50 every day for lunch and she doesn't have it. I know that we have a lot of finicail problems right now, but yeah, and it may seem selfish, but if you lived with all the people she has to support, it pisses me off that I can't get a job. REALLY pisses me off. Like, I don't know, people think my house is a hotel. I mean, I like my brothers friends, but my cousin's friends, I don't like, most of 'em anyway. I don't know. I'm so done with pot heads. They're annoying and piss me off.

I've been talking to this girl named Amy off and on for awhile, more just a "hey, is ee you at school" and "your cute" thing. But today we had a good conversationg. (: She's a real doll. I hope she turns out to be a friend. :D

Today, I also heard about the world coming to and end or something along those lines because of an expirment going on tomorrow. I don't know much about it, 'cause I have a horrible reading skills and stuff, but if anything goes wrong, we could all die or something. I don't know. I'm kind of scared, but you know, if we die, at least I'll die happy. But if it works and stuff, it will be a real good discovery for the world. Yeah, it's real scary. Oh well. If I die tomorrow, I want people who read this that I'm fine dying. The whole situation is 50/50. We could die or live. Nik thinks we're going to die. But, I don't know. I'm really scared that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow. :/ Just thinking about dying makes me want to cry. After everything for once in my life is going good, it might just end in a blink of an eye. It's sad because I wont ever see Alora or Cadance, or even baby Charlie grow up. Haha, I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it. And to top it off, my left eye has been twitching all day. I'm really REALLY scared. So scared that words can't explain it.


I have an essay that I fucked up on. I have to rewrite it.
Jesus.


Laterrrr

For Towle.

I'm making this blog for Towle. She's amazing and I love her. She's my best friend and she means the world to me.

kay, a little about Towle.


Name: Taylor
Age: SHE'LL BE 16. :D
Location: My vag?


Kay, that's all you need to know about her. You might take her away from me.



Okay, so today was horrible.
^^

First, I looked shitty going to school. Got there, ignored by someone, didn't grow balls to talk to someone, horrible horrible. Got home, it was chill.
Soon, got into a HUGE fight with Brazil. Cried for a long time[stillcrying].
(:


i'm okay now.
i'm making this blog for towle.
i'll post one everyday?


Edit: I've decided to edit this and make it more wordy.


So first, Right now I feel super shitty so I'm just going to type out how I feel.

I feel:


-used.
-forgotten.
-upset.
-ugly.
-fat.
-horrible.
-lonely.
-unwanted.
-gross.
-queer.
-chalant [new favorite word.]


Those are all how I feel.

Reasons:

-Fighting with people.
-Crying.
-Nobody is here but me.
-Upset.
-School.
-Stress.
-Self-esteem.

I don't know anymore what to do. I'm so caught up with other things I don't see what I have so great in front of me. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't understand why I let people get to me. It's not that easy not to let them get to me. I tried making a blog before, but I never kept up with it so then Towle convinced me to make one for her. Her and I don't talk much anymore and it's real depressing 'cause she's one of my best friends and super important to me. I lover her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I guess that adds on to why I'm feeling so low. I don't know. Haha. This is dragging on to be real lame.

Kay, fo'real.
LATA.