For awhile now;

I've been thinking about dying.

If you see me in school at anytime the rest of the year, it'd be a miracle. For the next few days, do not expect me to smile, do not expect me to speak, and do not expect me to even look up from the ground. I've noticed the irony in my life and how it's so frequent that it's a little TOO frequent. It's gotten me to the point that I'm broken down so hard I'm back on old habits and it's only getting worse. In January of this year, I was admitted to the mental hospital and I'm finally able to say it was an experience I will never forget. I was so convinced I was cured of all the depression and social anxiety, yet the depression has taken over my life and now what seems to be a life is only a lie. I see no happiness in anything. I do not enjoy anything, I only find myself pushing away from reality and back into where I never leave my house. It's to that point where I wont look in a mirror and when I do I look at myself and find myself in tears. It seems that everything for me has ended. I give up, and I highly doubt any person will be willing to even sit through a life with me. Friendship wise, my life is crashing. Every person I get close to seem to push away from me or get pulled away by someone knew. I came to this conclusion tonight that I long for being with someone who will show me they care. Just not over the internet, but someone willing to be there for me in person. It sucks having the only few people who adore me and show interest live in other states. The only people I live for, I've never even met. I'm tired of being this always sad and needy girl. I'm no longer the girl always laughing and making people laugh. I'm now the girl who fakes a smile, fakes the laugh, fakes the happiness. Nothing seems real to me anymore. Everything around me is fading.

I haven't cried this much in so long, it hurts so much to feel betrayed by a "friend." I know it's a ridiculous thing to say, but I honestly do feel so betrayed. Right now, my life feels like the quote from Samuel Butler. " Friendship is like money, easily made than to kept. " I've lost so many important people to me, it's not even funny. But then I made new, more harder to keep friends.

Right now, I feel like giving up on everything. I feel like dying. I feel like dropping out of school. I feel like hiding away in my room for the rest of my days in PA. I haven't cried this hard and long for a really long time. It's weird crying again. I mean, I cry almost every day, but not something like this. I feel like shit.


OH;

Joey and I aren't friends anymore. He showed Amber the whole thing about people not being able to be secrets but yourself. I'm on the verge of hanging myself.

OH AND THEN;;


shut teh fck up seriously u just want attention all the time its fcking annoying. idk u but u also seem like one of those people who do shit to fit in which is even moer annnoying get over urself fcking god. and i bet u will just put this ina bulletin or some shit tryin to get people to msg u and pity u cuz as i said, u want attention all the fcking time. christs sake ive never even met u and i can see this so no wonder your friends dont live near u grow up a lil and stop being a myspace whore

Truth box message.
I'm laughing so hard at it.

1) I have admitted before I want attention, you idiot.
2) How can I get over myself when I don't even like myself? Woo!
3) Yeah, I did post in a bulletin to show how funny you look starting shit on myspace.
4) I don't need pity.
5) I have friends that live in my city, BTW.
6) I'm not a myspace whore. If I were, I'd be "Ambrosia"
7) Grow some balls and tell me to my face.




This post is done.