Nothing;

seems to go right for me in the past two weeks. I've missed a lot of school, got bad grades on taste that needed to be taken, lost a few really good friends, and lost control of all my anger. Not much seems to be wanting to work out for me and my life. I'm excited to clear my life when I die. I know it's not a good thing to talk about dying, but I'm ready for death. If I were to die right now, I'd die without a heart, without love, and most of all without myself. I know I just recently posted a blog entry about this, but this is a more of a "letting you know what's going on in this head" entry.

I refuse to let myself love someone or even love myself. I don not "love everyone." Hell, I can say I don not love anything right now. I care for things right now, but I don't love anything. It is said that you can not truly love someone till you love yourself. Those words stick hard in my heart. There is a quote from Bertrand Russell, "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." I came to a conclusion that quote was written about my life.

I refuse to be put back on medicine, but I think it's what is best for me. I use to be on medication for "my" bi-polar, my depression, and social anxiety. Around March, I refused to take them and stopped taking them, lying to my doctor and therapist about taking them. I even lied to my mom saying that they took me off of them, when in reality I stopped taking them. They worked to an extent. I was still shaky in public places, still crying over the smallest things, and still not sleeping right. I do not thing anything can help me now at this point of my life.

I refuse to let people walk on me, yet they do. I've let people walk on me for years and I would tell them exactly what they wanted to hear. I would tell them all the good things they wanted to hear. Recently I've discovered I needed to change. I have became honest and telling people the truth and nothing but the truth. Before, people use to push me to do things I don't want to do, but the night I got home from vacation was the turning point of my life and showed me the worse qualities of me. I soaked in sorrow for about a week or so after; I cried almost every night after. Now, I still cry about that night, showing me that I need to push myself to show people they can't walk on me.

I've seen more changes in me than I've ever seen before. I use to be smiley and happy all the time. Now, I barely smile and I'm usually always upset about something. Life to me now is different than I saw it before. I use to see life an exciting thing to experience. Now, life is a piece of shit that I don't have; it's boring and life less.

Finally, I don't want nobody in my life but I do want friends. I don't know how to explain this one. It's hard to explain what's going through my head. I guess, I don't want anyone else in my life but the people who just want me. I know that is selfish, but it's what's going on in my head. At times I wish I've never been born to go through all the pain with people. I have friends, yes, but...I don't know. I want more, I guess. I want ones who shows some sort of interest in me, ya know? I mean, I have friends like that but I don't know, I feel like they don't. I can not stress enough how much I feel rejection in all my friendships. I know they are not rejecting me, I know that, but it feels like that. I guess with the super low self-esteem I have it doesn't work well with my mind.


Taylor, you've been a good friend, I wont deny it. It's sad to say we're no longer friends. I don't know what I'm suppose to say. We did dream too big, I guess we both saw this happening sooner or later but we both didn't want it to happen; well I didn't at least. I wasn't lying when I said you were my best friend, because THEN you were and now, well, you're not. All this time, you'd always bitch about Amber, I know you didn't like her and I listened. I don't know what more I can say. I'm sorry for being a piece of shit friend to you. I'm sorry for not living up to standards as a friend and taking all those chances. I just don't feel comfortable around you like I use to. I'm sorry.