past two days have been hell;

A lot of shit has been happening and I haven't really been blogging about it like the whole reason i made the blog, but i just i can rant about it now.


-fuck boys.

they suck. i'm really disappointed with a few boys because they're really rude and just fucking with my emotions.

-fuck emotions.

i don't want them.

-missed dentist.

fuck fixing my teeth.

-missed 10 days of school

fuck my life.





k, i'm done complaining.

gaygay

gaygaygaygaygaygaygay.


that is what my life has been lately.
fml.

things you don't know.

I copied taylor.


-I'm only 5'5" and a half, when I've been telling people I'm5'6".
-I say I don't lie, but I lie, sorry.
-I fall "in love" way to easy.
-I've been in the hospital before for attempted suicide.
-I honestly do keep secrets.
-I haven't had a real hug from anyone in longer than four months.
-I suffer from social anxiety at times, it doesn't control my life anymore.
-I use to be on a lot of medication, but I've stopped.
-I make too many mistakes.
-I'm not comfortable with my body.
-If I could, I'd run away just to be with you.
-I still love you even though you hate me, you will always have a spot in my heart.
-My mom works at Wendys, I'm not embarrassed anymore.
-I don't like thinking about the future, it scares me.
-I don't see a future ahead of me.
-I think about death, A LOT.
-I only laugh to make me feel like I'm happy.
-I once thought that if I made a loud noise while my mom was asleep she'd die.
-I never made loud noises.
-I'm a virgin.
-I'm can not say I've never drank.
-I can say I've never smoked.
-I use to collect stuffed animals.
-I wish I was happier.
-I hate losing friends.
-I hate being alone.
-I think you're selfish.
-I will not say things to you face for the fear of hurting you.
-I know people don't read this, but it helps me get things off my chest.
-Music saved my life plenty times.
-Secretly, I've wanted to become a writer but I don't anymore.
-Sharks use to be my favorite animals.
-CC is the only person who knows absolutely everything about me. She's a stuffed cow.
-I'm real clingy and I know it, but I wont do anything about it.
-I can be vain sometimes.
-I once thought I was cute.
-Now, I find myself repulsive.
-I want to marry a Spartan.
-I'm not black, white, nor mexican, so stop calling me it. I'm lithuanian, get it right.
-I've never been in a serious relationship that wasn't long distance.
-The boy who I gave my everything to ended up being a girl.
-I cry a lot.
-You are the biggest asshole I've ever met.
-My brother will always and forever be my rolemodel.
-Even if he smokes pot and has started drinking, he's perfect in my eyes.
-I have never been told I was cute by a boy to my face.
-I starve for attention.
-I once considered myself a stalker.


That's it for now.
:/

i had my first

encounter with a real anonymous today.

oh fun.
too bad he gave it away earlier.
haha.

i haven't posted

in awhile.


I'm currently addicted to The Friday Night Boys&Palace. That is how I spend my days now. Palace and The Friday Night Boys. I'm attempting to read Extras, but I'm not getting far. Lmao. Oh, and I've been saying lmao more than rofl lately. Like, after everything I say, it's " LMAO!LMAO! " Quite ridiculous if you ask me. Lmao. Oh well.

I've started talking to this kid named Tommy, his chill I suppose. I've started talking to Arah again. I've started talking to Nik again. I've started talking to Sean again. Lmao.


OH.
MY 11 YR OLD FRIEND AND I WERE ON WEBCAM LAST NIGHT. ROFL.

Rosco is being a pain by pissing and shitting all over my house, but I'm working towards getting him outside to shit and piss. (:

anyway.
much love.
<3

Rosco.

happy birthday;

its my cousins fifth birthday and she calls me and goes

"Corky, will you come over for my birthday?"
"Yeah, I will."
"Kay, love you bye."

(:

She's cute.


A lot has happened in the past two days, so much I forgot.
xD

I'm not getting rides with nichole anymore.
I love Carson.
My best friend can finally be happy with an asshole in her life.
I met this kid named Tommy.
Ha.
xD


Umm.
Sheepy and I made up, I love her.
(:

OH!
sean started talking to me again.
xD



OHOHOHOH!
WE GOT A PUPPY.
:D

k, that's all.
later.

I am so high I am never coming down.

I've came to the realization I am pushing myself away from people again. I am going back to when I isolate myself from everyone. I'm not even talking to my friends much. It's very unhealthy what I am doing, I know it is, but there is this idea in my head that I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm kind of liking it when the only person I talk to is myself. Right now I'm only spending time with myself and stuff. Well, if I continue to only isolate, guess who will get held back again? Yes, I will.


Now I'm going to do this list of people I'm sorry to. You can guess who you are.


1) I'm sorry for being an asshole and thinking I'm the only person you should have. It's very selfish of me to think that way. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, you are always going to be my sheep, but it's hard to have other people call you sheep when it was the name we created to hold memories. It's not the same for me to hear other people call you it. It's hurts so much. And the whole Jada thing, all I can say is that I've always been jealous of her. There is so much envy with her it's hard to control what I do because I'm so jealous of what you and her have and we don't have much. I mean we have stuff, but it's not the same connection you two have. When I saw you guys at the show and how you guys acted with each other, I truly saw that she was your best friend and I could never top that. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass.

2) I'm sorry for all the horrible feelings I made you feel. I read your blog every time you post a new one and it makes me hurt so much that I can't live with you and be happy. No, our dreams weren't too big, I was just pushing myself away from you. I know it sounds horrible to say that, but it's true. I was scared of a lot. I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you and now I know I'm not. What I do is all about making the other person feel like shit when I feel like shit to make me feel better, and that is how I treated you. I'm truly sorry. I still think about you everyday and you will always have a place in my heart. One day we will meet and you and I will have the best day of our lives together.

3) I'm sorry for always dropping my problems on you and for not completely listening to you when you need it most. I love you a lot but how I treat you sometimes is not right. We are suppose to treat one another how we want to be treated but I treat you horribly. I give you so much shit for liking that asshole but it is your decision who you "fall in love" with, not mine. You need to make your own mistakes and learn from them. I just need to sit back and be there when you need me. I think the reason I get so hasty is because you don't take my advice when I say to drop his ass. It just frustrates me.

4) I'm sorry for not showing you the attention you deserve from me. You're my husband and I'm suppose to be happy with you, I mean I am, no doubt about it, it's just hard when I don't know anything about you anymore. These past years with you in my life have been amazing. From what you've listened to through what I have said and you don't get the appreciation you deserve. I want you to know what you are the most amazing guy I've ever met in my inter life. Not those boys I talk about, not the boys who I have "fallen in love with," you. Just having you say you love me makes me feel six times better than I did before I read it. Oh, and I'm sorry for laughing at you that one time when you called me for the first time. Hah.

5) I'm sorry that I can't be there physically for you. You're my twin and I love everything about you, I just wish I could grasp you more. I love our conversations about assholes and killing faggot boys, but sometimes I wish they were more to what I don't know about you. I mean, I can't even remember your last name! That is horrible. But I love how you can trust me and I can trust you. You're a doll and one day soon I will kidnap you from California and keep you in my bedroom. Please can we play 21 questions sometime?

6) I'm sorry I'm always being a bad daughter to you. I'm sorry that I don't show you the respect you need. I'm sorry I always have to be a burden to you. I'm sorry that I can't be the daughter I use to be. I'm sorry that I'm always causing trouble for you. I'm sorry for saying I hate you because I don't. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass. I'm sorry for being annoying. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for making you sad. I'm sorry for not showing what I can really do.


7) I'm sorry for pushing things off with you. I'm sorry for always being upset around you. I'm sorry for not being a true friend like I say I am with you. You may not know it, but being around with you those days meant more to me than you can imagine. They had stopped be from doing something stupid those days. I mean it when I say I love you and I'm so glad we became friends again in high school. I miss you a lot, and I mean it. And I just want to be with you every weekend like we use to be.

And last..

8) I'm sorry for always putting you down. I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for letting people see the side of you they don't want to see. I'm sorry for being you over-emotional. I'm sorry for making you fat. I'm sorry for making you ugly. I'm sorry for being negative all the time. I'm sorry for hurting you physically. I'm sorry for hurting you emotionally. I'm sorry for rejecting you. I'm sorry for ruining something great for you.



Soulmate, I'm sorry for being a retard. I care about you a lot and I want us to go back to the way we use to be.
Jen, I'm sorry for pushing you away when I should have been loving you.



And too a lot of other people, I'm sorry for being an emotional wreck and depending on you too much. This is the old me. I'm changing for the better starting now.

I've decided;

to go pestitarian. (:

i think that's what i've been for while, but i didn't really want to label myself, but i guess i'll start my counting of months and stuff.
(:

pescatarian is where the only meat you eat is sea food, i think.

MUSICCCCC;

I LOVE IT.
(:


it keeps me sane!
All today I was jamming to new bands I've never really gotten into and bands that I've found randomly.

and I tried playing more or Goot, but it's still hard for me to get the pattern right.
oh well.
:D

sick day;

here is what i did.


-woke up.
-got online for a bit.
-went to the doctors.
-came home.
-laid down all day and watched movies.
-got online for a bit.


that is what i did so far.
now i'm going to watch the day after tomorrow because rachel got me in the mood.
haha.


BAI.

i have a cold;

it sucks, but a good thing is I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I can get medicine.

I love Wednesdays, did I ever tell anyone that?

Reasons:

-pushing daisies.
-project runway.

(:


oh;

Well, never mind, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to avoid it.


Anyway; besides being ill, nothing is happening besides I have to do a skit tomorrow in 7th period, which means I HAVE to go in late after my doctors appointment. Sucks asshole.



k, thnx for reading my pointless life.
bai.

fucking;

people are so rude.
so i called my mom and i was like

"could you get me chinese"
"not now courtney."
"okay."


then this kid that lives with us had gotten chinese earlier and decides to eat it in front of me when he was in the room when I called my mom asking to get me chinese.

honestly, rudest thing in the world.
i don't know if he did it on purpose or what, but he just finished eating and then went upstairs and normally when he eats he goes up stairs with the food. i'm really beyond pissed.

i hate living with rude people.

anyway;

i'm planning on shedding 40 pounds by february.


cody just walked in with pizza.
woo.


i love my brothers.
yes, i said brothers.

Cody and Byrant.
(:


lets just hope they share.

later.

yohomez;

i noticed i copy how devon types her titles.

haha.
so i came to realize nobody looks at my blog anymore, it's just me venting now. (:

anyway,

this weekend was okay i suppose.
i read all day yesterday and sat online some of saturday then was lazy.
for once i did my homework!
xD

i actually liked it to!
maybe that's because it was mythology.
i'm reading two books, but i'm real behind on reading so i don't know if i will be online much anymore. i have a lot of reading to do.

anyway, i gotta get ready for school.
BAI!1111!!!!

goot;

isn't playing in altoona anymore.
:/


i'm trying to convince cody to buy me one of this shirts.
xD

Okay so;

mom told me yesterday that we wouldn't have internet/phone/cable for a month or so..and we got lucky.

last night she won 100 dollars off a scratch lottery ticket.
Yay.


<3

i'm happy.


today was a decent day.


first period-

did a lab with jess<3


second period-

did some web surfing. (:
found out i'm failing geomtry. xD


third period-

asked mr. s why my grade was so low and he explained.
I was day dreaming most of that class.


lunch-

i was quiet most of the period. i wanted to go home really bad.


fourth period-

sat with tessa and alex and messed around most of the period.
tessa and i were discussing the book "the perks of being a wallflower"
and alex listened like he normally does and decided to smile all creepy at me.
I about pissed my pants.


fifth period-

Mrs. Harris asked if I got my hair cut, and I said no and then she said it was pretty and I was like "nooooo, it's poopy" and walked away.


sixth period-

day dreamed practically the whole period.


seventh-

got called to guidance.
talked to jill about some stuff and then she kept me 10 minutes after school and i ran to meet nichole and paul because i had an appointment with my case worker.
then i found out our payment went through and we don't have to worry about internet/phone/cable.
xD



oh;
mom and I decided I'm going back on anti-depressants.

NO PHONE OR INTERNET;

probably for a really long time. maybe one or two months?

so this means.

no
-project runway
-JD modeling agency
-paris hilton
-discovering new music.
-connect with friends besides school
-no blog entries (well, i might be able to at school)

a lot of changing, and this happens to be a sign that my life is failing.


later.


five months till south carolina.