I am so high I am never coming down.

I've came to the realization I am pushing myself away from people again. I am going back to when I isolate myself from everyone. I'm not even talking to my friends much. It's very unhealthy what I am doing, I know it is, but there is this idea in my head that I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm kind of liking it when the only person I talk to is myself. Right now I'm only spending time with myself and stuff. Well, if I continue to only isolate, guess who will get held back again? Yes, I will.


Now I'm going to do this list of people I'm sorry to. You can guess who you are.


1) I'm sorry for being an asshole and thinking I'm the only person you should have. It's very selfish of me to think that way. I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, you are always going to be my sheep, but it's hard to have other people call you sheep when it was the name we created to hold memories. It's not the same for me to hear other people call you it. It's hurts so much. And the whole Jada thing, all I can say is that I've always been jealous of her. There is so much envy with her it's hard to control what I do because I'm so jealous of what you and her have and we don't have much. I mean we have stuff, but it's not the same connection you two have. When I saw you guys at the show and how you guys acted with each other, I truly saw that she was your best friend and I could never top that. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass.

2) I'm sorry for all the horrible feelings I made you feel. I read your blog every time you post a new one and it makes me hurt so much that I can't live with you and be happy. No, our dreams weren't too big, I was just pushing myself away from you. I know it sounds horrible to say that, but it's true. I was scared of a lot. I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you and now I know I'm not. What I do is all about making the other person feel like shit when I feel like shit to make me feel better, and that is how I treated you. I'm truly sorry. I still think about you everyday and you will always have a place in my heart. One day we will meet and you and I will have the best day of our lives together.

3) I'm sorry for always dropping my problems on you and for not completely listening to you when you need it most. I love you a lot but how I treat you sometimes is not right. We are suppose to treat one another how we want to be treated but I treat you horribly. I give you so much shit for liking that asshole but it is your decision who you "fall in love" with, not mine. You need to make your own mistakes and learn from them. I just need to sit back and be there when you need me. I think the reason I get so hasty is because you don't take my advice when I say to drop his ass. It just frustrates me.

4) I'm sorry for not showing you the attention you deserve from me. You're my husband and I'm suppose to be happy with you, I mean I am, no doubt about it, it's just hard when I don't know anything about you anymore. These past years with you in my life have been amazing. From what you've listened to through what I have said and you don't get the appreciation you deserve. I want you to know what you are the most amazing guy I've ever met in my inter life. Not those boys I talk about, not the boys who I have "fallen in love with," you. Just having you say you love me makes me feel six times better than I did before I read it. Oh, and I'm sorry for laughing at you that one time when you called me for the first time. Hah.

5) I'm sorry that I can't be there physically for you. You're my twin and I love everything about you, I just wish I could grasp you more. I love our conversations about assholes and killing faggot boys, but sometimes I wish they were more to what I don't know about you. I mean, I can't even remember your last name! That is horrible. But I love how you can trust me and I can trust you. You're a doll and one day soon I will kidnap you from California and keep you in my bedroom. Please can we play 21 questions sometime?

6) I'm sorry I'm always being a bad daughter to you. I'm sorry that I don't show you the respect you need. I'm sorry I always have to be a burden to you. I'm sorry that I can't be the daughter I use to be. I'm sorry that I'm always causing trouble for you. I'm sorry for saying I hate you because I don't. I'm sorry for being a pain in an ass. I'm sorry for being annoying. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for making you sad. I'm sorry for not showing what I can really do.


7) I'm sorry for pushing things off with you. I'm sorry for always being upset around you. I'm sorry for not being a true friend like I say I am with you. You may not know it, but being around with you those days meant more to me than you can imagine. They had stopped be from doing something stupid those days. I mean it when I say I love you and I'm so glad we became friends again in high school. I miss you a lot, and I mean it. And I just want to be with you every weekend like we use to be.

And last..

8) I'm sorry for always putting you down. I'm sorry for making you feel bad. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for letting people see the side of you they don't want to see. I'm sorry for being you over-emotional. I'm sorry for making you fat. I'm sorry for making you ugly. I'm sorry for being negative all the time. I'm sorry for hurting you physically. I'm sorry for hurting you emotionally. I'm sorry for rejecting you. I'm sorry for ruining something great for you.



Soulmate, I'm sorry for being a retard. I care about you a lot and I want us to go back to the way we use to be.
Jen, I'm sorry for pushing you away when I should have been loving you.



And too a lot of other people, I'm sorry for being an emotional wreck and depending on you too much. This is the old me. I'm changing for the better starting now.